Pat Matten lives in Saltburn, cares for his wife, and has two young children.
Pat had known his wife for a number of years before they got together. He knew she had struggled throughout her life, having been brought up by a narcissistic parent and having lost her other parent to suicide some years earlier.
Balancing care with bringing up a young family
Pat's caring journey really started after the birth of their second child, when his wife's mental health took an enormous nosedive.
"I knew something was seriously wrong, but I didn't know where to go for help," explains Pat.
At the time, they were living in Essex. They reached out to their local GP, who Pat describes as being ‘very switched on and driven’ and who immediately recognised that this was more serious than postnatal depression and that specialist mental health support was needed.
At the same time, Pat was really struggling. He was trying to support his wife, bring up two young children and protect the family from the ongoing impact of his wife's parent being in the mix.
Eventually, they found a psychologist who diagnosed his wife with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD). Getting a diagnosis was a real eureka moment. However, that feeling for Pat was short-lived.
"I quickly realised services weren't carer-oriented."
There were times when professionals were seeing his wife, and Pat was asked to stay in the waiting room, or on one occasion, even in the car. He also struggled to find information about his wife's condition and support for himself as a carer.
"I had a carer's assessment, but even the wording of that isn't helpful, as it makes people feel like their caring abilities are being assessed. There's a systemic problem that carers don’t feel recognised or included."
Finding a Voice
Pat feels fortunate that his wife's therapist introduced the Family Connections programme, which helps families better understand and support someone living with complex mental health difficulties. After completing the programme himself, he was later asked to become a facilitator and help deliver the training to other families and carers.
Through this work, Pat became involved with Essex Partnership University NHS Foundation Trust (EPUT) as a volunteer, using his lived experience to help improve services and advocate for carers to be better recognised and included.
Pat's advice to other carers supporting someone with a mental health condition is:
"Engage with your mental health trust and offer your insight and personal experience of caring. There will be someone who eventually values your knowledge and insight."
Starting Again in Saltburn
In the end, the family felt they had to get away. They moved from Essex to Saltburn to put some distance between themselves and his wife's parent.
When they arrived, they had no support on the ground. That changed after Pat saw an article about Carers Together in Talk of the Town magazine.
He got in touch, met Mike and has recently completed an eight-week counselling programme. "It was absolutely fantastic," says Pat.
He also values the fact that many of the activities allow carers to bring along the person they care for.
Pat would encourage carers to access support wherever they can, but believes that support should be easier to find through health services.
"Staff across all departments should know where to direct carers for support and actively do so."
Why Carers Need to Be Included
Reflecting on his own experiences, Pat feels carers are too often overlooked.
"Too many times I have been ignored as a carer, not offered support and, at times, been asked to wait in the waiting room. Carers should never be left out in the waiting room if their loved one wants them to be part of the care plan.
"If a carer or family member is part of the problem, then there needs to be a contingency plan - professionals need to be able to educate carers so they can help the person they're caring for effectively, particularly when that care is being provided at home.
"I've never been part of my wife's care plan, yet I'm the one who provides most of the care.
"It's important that carers - whether they're supporting someone with dementia, a physical injury or a mental health condition - know their rights. Don't be afraid to say, 'I don't agree with that.'
"Care plans are essential, but they also need to reflect the needs of the carer and family who are providing the care at home.”
“From reading my experiences, you can possibly see there have been occasions where I have struggled to find the support I've needed.
It would have been easy to disregard my own needs over those of my loved ones, but in reality, I know from experience that I can only provide the support my family needs, if I'm getting the support that I need also.
Remember, looking inwards is not being selfish, its all part of your self care and is every bit as important.”