Jan Featonby cared for her husband Jim for 6 years after he had a stroke. Jim sadly passed away in 2017, but Jan is passionate about sharing her story to help others in similar situations.
Her message is clear: You can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself.
Getting the right support is key
The day Jim had a stroke I said to myself ‘Right girl, you have to buckle up and get on with it’ because I knew I was going to have to care for him. Up until that point Jim had taken care of everything related to the household – finances, bills, paperwork, but I put my work head on and got on with it.”
Jan realised early on that she couldn’t do it all on her own and feels extremely lucky that she had a supportive GP who helped her access financial and emotional support. Though she didn’t qualify for Carers Allowance Jim was able to claim Attendance Allowance and Jan was put in touch with carer support services including Carers Together. She also received valuable support from the Stroke Association.
Carers Together were brilliant; they gave me both practical and emotional support. But if I hadn’t recognised that I was a carer, and that I needed to prioritise my own wellbeing, I wouldn’t have been able to access the support I needed. Caring for someone can be incredibly hard, it’s emotionally draining, and you can easily become isolated.”
Even with support, Jan struggled to cope and after a couple of years of caring for Jim ended up on antidepressants.
The emotional toll of caring
Jim had always been strong-willed, it was "his way or the highway", and he could be very difficult to deal with. After the stroke, those traits became more pronounced and often showed up as anger, especially when he felt frightened or vulnerable.
Jim also became very suspicious and mistrustful, Jan recalls having to secretly pass notes to the district nurse to explain situations like when he thought she was trying to poison him because his medication looked different.
After his stroke Jim struggled to communicate so Jan had to speak on his behalf but very often others, including professionals, insisted on speaking directly with Jim, instead of her. “It could be very frustrating at times when people didn’t listen to me, even though as his carer I had a much better understanding of his condition and needs.”
Alongside the emotional toll of caring, it can be overwhelming trying to figure out the practical steps and where to turn for support. From the very beginning, Jan arranged power of attorney and contacted the bank, but it took a lot of research—and the help of a good support network. They also needed adaptations to the house to make it more accessible for Jim, and Jan had to project manage all of this while caring for him full time.
It’s easy to feel like you’re not doing a good job, but the truth is – you’re doing one heck of a job. Just having that encouragement and reassurance from services like Carers Together made all the difference to me”
Self-care matters
Jan talks about how important it is for carers to have ‘me time’ and respite. But she also knows it’s not always easy especially when the person you’re caring for won’t accept help from anyone else. Jan’s ‘me time’ was swimming once a week and she had a close friend that she’d talk to.
Don’t be too proud to ask for help otherwise you will go under. And if eventually you do lose the person that you’re caring for you have to be able to continue on your own. Try and find an outlet for me it was writing poetry.”
Jan had previously performed with the End of Pier Company and returned to her creative roots while caring for Jim. Her Pam Ayres-style poems became a way to express herself, and she later performed them in care homes after Jim’s passing.
Jan’s final advice to other carers?
Seek support, take care of your own health. Don’t be too proud to ask for help and if you don’t get the right answer the first time ask again.”