Background
Rahima’s Story: Caring Behind Closed Doors
Rahima grew up in Middlesbrough with her younger brother and sister. Her sister, who has complex needs, has always required extra care and support. Their mother was the full-time carer, but as Rahima got older, she naturally took on more of this responsibility. When she married and moved out, her mother realised she could no longer manage alone. As a result, Rahima’s sister moved into supported living accommodation near the family home.
Although Rahima knew this was the best decision, she was consumed by guilt. She continued to support both her mother and sister whenever needed. Living nearby with her husband and two children, she balanced the demands of family life while remaining a constant support to her mother, who still cared for Rahima’s brother until he too moved out after getting married. After he left, the relationship between Rahima and her brother became strained. He distanced himself and withdrew support, leaving Rahima to shoulder most of the responsibility alone. This sense of abandonment added to the emotional weight Rahima already carried.
Cultural Barriers and Unseen Caring
Rahima’s mother suffers from chronic health issues, including arthritis and diabetes. As her mobility declined, her dependence on Rahima increased. However, Rahima didn’t initially see herself as a carer.
“In Asian culture, it’s expected you’ll care for your parents as they get older. It’s something we do without acknowledging, without asking for help, and certainly without saying it’s hard. We’re raised to believe it’s our duty, and if we can’t cope, we feel ashamed.”
This cultural norm meant Rahima was juggling full-time employment, raising two children, and providing increasing levels of care—often without support or recognition. She managed her mother’s medication, attended medical appointments, gave emotional and practical support, and even provided personal care.
When the COVID-19 pandemic hit, things became even harder. Working from home blurred the lines between professional and personal life. Her mother didn’t see her time at the computer as “work” and would call constantly out of loneliness.
“I felt awful. I knew my mum was struggling, but I couldn’t give her the time she needed during working hours. The guilt was overwhelming.”
With services disrupted and everyday tasks like food shopping becoming more complicated, the pressure mounted.
“I was doing everything twice—once for my home and once for my mum. I felt like I was on a constant loop of stress and worry.”
Burnout and Breaking Point
Things came to a head when Rahima’s mother fell in her wet room and remained on the floor for 12 hours, eventually developing pneumonia. The experience was traumatic for the entire family. Her mother was hospitalised and later moved into respite care.
This crisis forced Rahima to acknowledge the toll the situation was taking on her.
“I was completely burnt out. I had nothing left to give. My work was suffering, I was snapping at my kids and husband, and I just wasn’t myself anymore. I felt guilty for resenting my mum, but I had become her carer, not her daughter, and I missed her.”
With her mother’s consent, Rahima advocated for a move to a smaller, more manageable home. Eventually, a bungalow through Thirteen Housing became available close to family and her sister’s supported living. This marked a turning point.
Finding Support
During her mother’s hospital stay, Rahima opened up to a nurse and asked if there was any support available.
“That was a big moment for me. In our culture, we don’t really talk about mental health or ask for help—it’s seen as weakness. But I realised I had to do something for my own sake and for my family’s.”
The nurse referred Rahima to Carers Together, an organisation she had never heard of. She was contacted by a member of staff named Mike, who quickly became a lifeline.
“I was in a really dark place. I spent most of our first conversations crying. But Mike was incredibly supportive and kind. He helped me navigate the system and encouraged me to contact Middlesbrough Council for a Carer’s Assessment.”
Thanks to this support, a formal care package was arranged for her mother—including personal care and help with shopping. This eased some of the burden on Rahima and allowed her to focus more on her family and work without constant worry.
Carers Together also helped her find social activities for her mother, including a weekly group at Woodside Resource Centre. This gave her mother a renewed sense of purpose and provided Rahima with much-needed respite.
“I don’t qualify for Carer’s Allowance, but honestly, the practical support has made the biggest difference. Knowing my mum has contact and support each day has lifted such a weight off me.”
Renewed Relationships and Mental Wellbeing
Since receiving support, Rahima has noticed a huge improvement in her mental health and family relationships.
“I can breathe again. I’m not as snappy or stressed, and I’m spending more quality time with my husband and kids. I even feel closer to my mum—those feelings of guilt and resentment have eased.”
Her mother’s involvement in social groups has also improved their conversations and given both of them a sense of independence. They’re now waiting to hear back about increasing her mother’s care package to include another daytime activity.
Rahima also signed up for counselling months ago and is finally starting her first session.
“I might not need it now, but I’ll go and decide with the counsellor. Just knowing it’s there is a comfort.”
Advice to Others
Rahima has a clear message for other carers—especially those in Asian communities:
“Please remember—you’re allowed to have your own life. Don’t wait until you’re at breaking point like I did. There’s no shame in asking for help. It’s not disloyal to care for yourself—it’s necessary. Organisations like Carers Together can genuinely change your life, or at the very least, help you feel less alone.”
Thank you, Rahima, for bravely sharing your story to help others feel seen, supported, and empowered. Your experience highlights the importance of making caring visible, valued, and supported.
Note: Rahima’s story is real, though names and images have been changed at her request to preserve anonymity.
Do you need support?
If you can relate to Rahim's story and would benefit from finding out what support is available, take a look here. You can also contact Carers Together directly who can give you the information, advice and support you need or put you in touch with the most appropriate service to support you: Carers Together (01642) 488977 info@carerstogether-rc.org.uk